As I sit and write this I am crying, not sobbing uncontrollably or anything but I have a steady stream of tears falling down my cheek.
We have a video camera and we have had tapes sitting around for a while, Adam decided to put them onto a DVD tonight, these tapes have captured everything from jacks first year onwards and watching them has been such an emotional thing for me. As I watch them I am not filled with a sense of pride, of what my little boy has become, nor am I sitting reminiscing, laughing as I do so. Watching these makes me feel sadness and regret, for what has been and what is yet to come. It shows me everything I missed out on by being at work, it shows my how much my little baby boy has grown up and no longer needs me and how much I myself have changed.
I feel like I have been a parent for as long as I can remember, surely that’s the way it should feel but looking at this reminds me how quickly things have changed for us. But I know I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Looking at it reminds me that it will be Eleanor next; going through all these stages and although I am not at work at the moment the prospect of going back deeply saddens me. When Eleanor gets to these stages Jack will be at school, he will also miss out on this, I don’t want that. I want my children to enjoy each other and grow up together.
I know children don’t stay babies forever, I wouldn’t want them too, but I hope one day I can look back at happy memories and fun times, with happy tears xx
silver linings and quilt tops
4 years ago
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Jack still needs you. Both your children do, just in different ways, and you are a fantastic mother! They are very lucky to have you - someone who is always questioning the norm and striving for the best for her kids.
ReplyDeleteBug hugs xx and if you want to talk about anything i'm here! xx
Speaking of which, are you free tomorrow? xx